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Joel Kaskinen
Joel Kaskinen

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Jul 16

Dear Anxiety,

I look back on my time living in Gunnison, after Alex died, and I can’t believe I didn’t see all the ways you showed up in my life. You were there with me, all the time. In my chest, beating quickly, sending pulses of blood into my face and neck. …

2 min read


May 24

I’ve Got No Choice

I still think of you, because I’ve got no choice. You’re not just a figment of my imagination. You’re not just a daydream. You’re not just a memory. You’re part of my being. My soul. My entire being. I can’t let go, nor do I know that I want to…

2 min read


Dec 7, 2021

Happily Depressed

I listened to a podcast episode today called “Happily Depressed”. It resonated with me so deeply, this concept of being so depressed and so fine with it. I’m high. Sitting in the sunroom. Crying into Camilla, thinking how fucking happy I am in Sioux Falls. Deeply, tremendously happy. I’m thinking…

2 min read


Dec 5, 2021

The Gales of November

The gales of November are icy and sharp. Digging their cold, dead fingertips into my flesh, bone, and soul. Leaving waves of frozen emotional debris in their path, these gales strike me down again year after year. Blowing October leaves off of trees, snow on my neck, and darkness into…

2 min read


Nov 16, 2021

This Little Light

I remember the first time we met, Joe. Brunch at Wiley’s on a Sunday afternoon. Spencer and I both agreed to going out for one drink, saying, “I don’t really feel like being out all day” to each other thinking that we would hold each other accountable, knowing we probably…

2 min read


Oct 12, 2021

To The Homophobic Pastor & My Gun-Toting Brother

I’m standing right next to you. I know you see me. You can hear me. We’ve spoken hundreds of times. But never about anything real or meaningful. I don’t feel like you’ve ever given me the chance to get to know you, and honestly, I know you don’t want to…

3 min read


Oct 8, 2021

Storytelling

I want to tell my story. I need to tell my story. I feel the words being forced out of me like the retching of hangover after a night of heavy drinking. With months of silence under my belt and the inability shape thought into word, I’m telling my story. …

2 min read


Sep 5, 2021

What Hurts The Most

What hurts the most is that I didn’t know Alex. I never got the pleasure of knowing the good in his life. I didn’t know the hurt he carried either. I didn’t know anything about him, really. The only memories I have of him are those of that fateful day. …

1 min read


Jul 15, 2021

Past Or Present?

One year later and I don’t even recognize myself. That person, that version of me feels so far away. I’m just a shell of the man that I was back then. And yet, I am so so so much more than that too. In fact, some days, I feel like…

3 min read


Jun 8, 2021

I Was Never Shown A Way To Handle This

No matter how much education, training, or preparation you receive, you can never fully be ready to handle responding to a suicide. You can never fully prepare to administer first aid. You can never be ready to see a lifeless body, on the ground, with a bullet hole in it’s…

2 min read

Joel Kaskinen

Joel Kaskinen

Communicator. Educator. Empath. Survivor. Writer.

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