I have to be honest about something. I know that y’all are trying to be protective and sensitive, and I love that, thank you, but not talking about my mental health is actually killing me.
We all know about last Monday and I don’t need a lecture about how stupid it was, but I also don’t need a lack of acknowledgement. You should’ve asked if I was ok. I wanted you to say that it was obvious that I was upset about something. I need you to name the hurt that you’re feeling seeing me unwell. I need you to name the hurt that you see in me.
I want to talk about my mental health, I just don’t feel that you know how to talk about it and that’s a barrier for me. It somehow feels more unsafe or uncertain for me to bring it up than it is for me to stay silent. I guess it hurts that I can’t share my truth with people I love.
I’m unwell. I’m really sick, but I pretend that I’m better than I am because I want to spare everyone else. As an empath it breaks my heart to see others hurting. So I stay silent. But I can’t anymore.
I’m depressed. I’m sad. I’m always anxious about something and fearing the worst. I’m still grieving so many losses and NMU’s rejection was the final straw. It was a kick while I’m down and I spiraled.
I day drank. I wanted to feel something other than sadness, so I got drunk. I drove. I passed out. I puked all over. I woke up and had no idea where I was or how I got there. I was scared. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed.
I called Aaron on accident trying to get ahold of Adam. That’s how I know you know what happened. He and Isabelle came to get me. I stayed at their house that night. I’ve been in this depression spiral since. I barely got out of bed on Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday I started to feel a little better but I still feel lousy.
As I’ve been reflecting, I’ve made the conscious decision to get sober. Which brings up the point that I’ve been drinking. I know you know that too. It’s pretty obvious, yea?
I’ve realized that alcohol and I do not have a healthy relationship at this point in my life. While depressed, I don’t think alcohol can be in the picture. Therapy and medications are an absolute for me. In fact I may switch meds because I’m not sure these ones are as effective as I thought they were when I started taking them.
Today, I’m asking you for help. I need to talk about mental health and I need you to get comfortable doing so too. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and it’s normal and it’s very real for me. But I can’t do it alone.