Feeling Small

How can I be 6'4" tall and still be made to feel small by white, old men? It’s disgusting.

I shouldn’t be made to feel like this. No one should. If I, as an educated, white man feel this way (especially when I tower over most of these people), I can’t possibly imagine putting myself in the shoes of a person of color or a woman experiencing the same thing. I wish I could take that feeling away from them.

It’s unconscionable behavior. The entitlement. The privilege. The fact that they use every moment of time to benefit them and only them. It’s disgusting.

I fight the fight every day. I show up for people who don’t have the privilege or voice to speak up the ways that I do. I advocate for others. I lead with empathy and compassion. I am always willing to fuck shit up, but it gets me nowhere. In fact, the only thing it gets me is into trouble. I’m still made to feel small.

I’m crying. I’m feeling small. I’m hurt once again by the same people that have hurt me over and over. I will never understand how they can get away with this. Simply because they’re white men in power and no one questions them. No one holds them accountable.

I refuse to allow this to continue. I can’t do it anymore. I cannot be made to feel small when I’ve felt so miniscule for the past three months. When I’ve been fighting every day. Fighting against them and my internal demons resulting from grief and PTSD.

I’ve been fighting for change. I’ve been made to feel small while doing so. I’m fighting depression and anxiety. I’ve been made to feel small while doing so. I’m fighting against my own standards and expectations, knowing that I can’t be the best version of myself right now and I’m trying to give myself grace. I’ve been made to feel small while doing so.

I’m feeling small tonight. So small. At the hands of a few who are probably overcompensating for their equally small penises. I’ve had enough.