I See It In Your Eyes

“I see it in your eyes, the pain you keep inside, slowly tearing you apart”. The Mark Schultz lyrics play in my head. All the time. I found solace and comfort in these words as a teenager, listening to one of my favorite artists at the time belt out these beautiful, melancholy messages to listeners.

I still remember hearing Mark Schultz’ words for the first time. My cousin Erin recorded a cd and one of the songs she recorded was He’s My Son. I loved the sadness of this song, but the hope that bubbled up inside of me while listening to it was greater than the sadness. Ever since, I’ve loved Mark Schultz.

I no longer listen to Christian and gospel music. I no longer consider myself to be religious. I don’t really buy into that crap anymore. I mean, I’ve seen too much hurt and lies come from religion. I still identify as being spiritual, but my faith looks different these days. No longer resonating with hymns and the church, I find solace and refuge in nature, community, and most importantly, love. The same values preached about in religion, but without the red tape and bullshit.

I know the pain of a heartbreak. The same heartbreak that Mark Schultz writes about in many of his songs. The pain that is kept inside. The strength that I show my friends, even though they see right through it, because my eyes give it away. I’m hurting. I’m broken inside.

I’m not sure why these words came drifting back into my mind as Shelley told me about yet another student suicide. Another moment frozen in time and replaying in my mind. Me, on the couch, late evening, Shelley’s voice. My hand, without hesitation, covering my mouth. My eyes welling up with tears. Those tears, rolling down my cheeks as I get more and more emotional. The news is too much to bear.

These lyrics are on repeat in my mind. Rent free, as everyone on Twitter likes to say. An anthem of what I’d like to tell my students. An anthem of love that my friends surely are singing silently to me, too.

It’s all too much. This world is too dark. The pain we keep inside is too much. When will it end? When will it be too much to take? I know I can’t keep doing this. It’s all I can do to wake up every morning. It’s all I can do to show up with strength for my staff and students and those I hold dear. It’s literally all I can do. I can’t take it any longer.

I wish everyone could look into my eyes and see the pain I keep inside. I wish I too, could do just that for those around me. I wish there wasn’t so much pain in this world. I wish pain didn’t tear us apart. I wish that it wasn’t too much to handle, and that there was a way out of it all. An out that wasn’t suicide.

For me, it’s alcohol and drugs and sex. It’s the Real Housewives. It’s music. It’s sitting by the water. It’s therapy. It’s medication. It’s running. For some, it’s suicide. But for most, it’s the pain we keep inside. For all, it’s slowly tearing us apart.