Will This Ever End?

This week, for the first time in a year(ish), I have been feeling really good. I’m shocked. I don’t know why I feel so well. Nothing has changed, but I feel light. Easy. For the first time in forever.

I saw you again, Walter. This time, in the Taco Bell drive through. The attendant sounded just like you and I did a double-take. I swore it was you. It wasn’t obviously. But I was taken aback and I enjoyed hearing you again.

It’s funny how I often don’t think about the sound of someone’s voice until they’re gone. Then all I want is to hear their voice again. Just one more time. A whisper. A shout. A sweet nothing. A conversation. Just one more moment of chatter with them, so that I can hold on to a word for eternity, grasping at it for all it’s worth, just to find that it lasts a second, not forever.

Hearing your voice made time stand still. Everything froze. I stopped. I couldn’t breathe. I looked back at you and realized it wasn’t actually you. I took a deep breath. I looked at Hope and said, “I thought that was Kent”, before grabbing my lemonade and chalupa.

We sat for a moment, silence filling the car. Once again, I’m holding my breath. This time only momentarily.

I feel alone again. Lost and alone. I miss the comfort of friends and hugs and love. Don’t get me wrong, I feel that even at a distance. It’s just different now. The holiday season always does this to me. I’m not even a holiday person, I just feel lonely. This time of year is a time of great loss for me. The darkness overcomes the “spirit”, whatever that even is.

I miss my family. I miss Julian. I miss Walter (Kent). I miss Alex. I miss Aunt Deb. I miss Jared. I miss James. I miss Luke. I miss Mummu. I miss a whole lot of people that I didn’t even know that I missed. I miss feeling feelings that I never knew I felt.

I haven’t cried like this in over a week. Tears streaming down my face. My voice cracks when I speak. I’m choked up. Jodi recently told me that she lives by the rule that “if you’re nose isn’t running, you’re not really crying”, and I have to say, I am really crying tonight. I am really crying, most of the time. That’s the empath in me. But tonight is the first of this caliber of sadness in a while.

I thought I was starting to finally get over the hump of my grief. I thought I was finally starting to feel better. To accept the fact that I can’t control a lot. I need to start to move on from all the weight I’ve been carrying. Apparently, I’m not there yet. Not that I should be. Grieving isn’t linear; it has no timeline. I shouldn’t feel pressure to feel OK.

I was starting to feel a little piece of myself again. Not tonight. I’m feeling as disconnected as ever. I’m heavy and small. I wanna curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep. Will this ever end?